Here’s a list of things I laugh about being pregnant.
1. Your Facebook feed shows everyone that you liked a million photos of your friends’ kiddos. (You caught me, Mattie) You used to be the one who was like, “PEOPLE, this isn’t BABYbook!”
2. You say to your friend, “Here, I’ll get you a car mat,” when you meant to say parking pass but you don’t have the brain energy to explain what you really meant.
3. You fall asleep sitting up while talking to your friends after eating lunch. Jen, I was listening.
4. You start a hike and then have to stop to cry because you’re not sure you can make it out of the extremely steep canyon (you have formerly run a half marathon and been in the military). You then turn around 8 minutes into the hike huffing and puffing. You even need to take a break to sit on the ground and catch your breath. Little children and the elderly are speeding by you up the hill. You spend the rest of the day sleeping and eating in recovery. This has now become a 1200 calorie setback. Add some more crying and blaming your husband for setting you up for failure and not understanding “your condition.”
5. You walk with peg legs because prenatal yoga made you do 5 minutes of continuous squats. You want to punch the wall when the instructor tells you to make your shoulder blades touch your heart. Then you want to cry about it. There are women in your yoga class who are 20 weeks pregnant and looking hotter than you’ve ever looked in your life. You start wearing makeup to class to feel better about yourself.
6. You go to a famous burger place for their signature burger (they only serve one kind) but they don’t make ANY exceptions i.e. they won’t pull the soft blue cheese off (some soft cheeses are a no-no for pregnant women), no matter what. So you eat a basket of fries and drool over your husband’s burger meal. Later you yell at your husband for not leaving the restaurant or yelling at the cook.
When your friends ask you to go out for dinner and a night of drinking you steer them away from sushi restaurants or bar crawls so you won’t be discovered.
7. In your first trimester, you gained waaay too much weight (confirmed by your doctor in front of your husband) and somehow your birthing-hips got even wider. Your pants no longer fit. Your skinny, well-meaning friends have all told you there is no need for pregnancy clothes until later and you listen to everything these women say (they’re pros) so you walk around with your pants unbuttoned and unzipped for months (break down and buy a belly band eventually). Finally at a restaurant dinner your pants are around your ankles from the tight pinching pain in your abdomen and the said belly band has snapped up like a rolling blind below your breasts. The valet guy tries not to stare as you depart the restaurant. Cue crying and shopping for fat, I mean, pregnancy pants.